Order the Carp

A carp walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “We don’t serve carp here.”

The carp says, “That doesn’t surprise me, but I just wanted a basket of catfish cheeks and a beer.”

Big River is determined to get restaurants on the Upper Mississippi to begin serving carp. We’ve been talking about this for years, and we’ve finally thrown down the gauntlet. The “Big River Carp Connoisseur Challenge” is offering to make one innovative restaurant famous on the river from Coon Rapids, Minn., all the way to Muscatine, Iowa. No doubt the word will spread, attracting discriminating diners from around the world to sample the fare of the fortunate recipient of this soon to be cherished award.

And it’s about time. For years river biologists and anglers have been alarmed by carp invasions of the Upper Mississippi. Now three new species — silver, grass and bighead carp — are settling into our stretch of the river. The commercial fishermen who harvest carp from the river usually smoke a few and sell the rest to the “ethnic” market.

Who is this ethnic market? Asians make up some of it. People have farmed carp in China for more than 2,000 years. Today carp species make up eight of the top 10 aquaculture species in Asia. In Eastern Europe baked carp is a delicacy reserved for Christmas dinner and other special occasions. Carp is one of the ingredients in gefilte fish, which, if you have not had the pleasure, is sort of a fish sausage served cold.

Even as I speak, researchers are investigating such topics as whether the oil in silver carp retains its health-giving qualities better when deep-fried or boiled. (Short answer: boiled.)

So, in much of the world, folks hand over good money for carp, while we in the Midwest pay through the nose for salmon, blue-fin tuna, cod and other overpriced endangered fish, while carp (now that the silver carp have arrived) are literally jumping into our boats.

Sometimes people say to me, “But, Reggie, carp are bottom feeders.”

Bottom feeders! Ducks and geese are bottom feeders — so what!? Carp eat plants and algae. They’re at the bottom of the food chain, with cows, pigs and sheep.

Many of the best restaurants brag that they use local ingredients, but not carp. We need some leadership from our river-chef community. When I Google “carp recipes” I get 489,000 hits. There are bound to be some real winners in there. Get out those baking pans and get cooking!

You gourmets have an important role to play too. We need to change the culture. Practice these lines at home, so that you’ll be ready to use them next time you’re ordering in one of our fine river restaurants:

“What day is your carp special?”

“Can I substitute carp for the mahi-mahi in this dish?”

“Would you ask the chef to put a little extra carp in the étouffée?”

If we work together on this, someday soon we will enjoy the best carp eating in the world. The river will be healthier. We will be healthier. The economy of the Upper Midwest will be healthier.